HCMC.... 14 years later

Reporting to you from Ho Chi Minh City....

Some people may think that it is no big deal... but for me, it is. Afterall, the first time I came to HCMC was 14 years ago, before Vietnam officially opened for tourism. That was as authentic an experience as one could get of old Vietnam...

And now 14 years later... so much has changed. The streets are cleaned up, more proper roads, tonnes more traffic... a lot more cars (as compared to last time when our tour minibus was among the few countable 4-wheeled vehicles on the road)... and as the plane flew over the city before it landed, I noticed with a sense of nostalgia that the paddy fields I used to see had changed into suburban city and industrial parks....

Large international brands are now visible everywhere and Espirit is in a prominent, new white building.... For those of you who have been here in recent years, you may have seen this change and felt it's nothing.... but for me, I think if I look back at the photos I've taken then, it's a world of difference....

For all I know, I could even sell those photos as heritage stuff or something....and even the locals are commenting that my last trip to HCMC 14 years ago was very very adventurous...

I feel a sense of achievement and a sense of satisfaction that I had seen it before modern globalisation colonised the place....

Escapist again....

Maybe I'm hitting depression mode again.... there are some days where every single little thing just gets to you... making you frustrated. Like not knowing when projects are happening, not knowing what will be the outcome of your plans, or basically just feeling stuck because everything that you need to get things going is dependent on someone else.

It just brings you down and make you so unmotivated at what you do.... at least, that's what it does to me....

and on these occasions, I often catch myself thinking... even wishing.... that I can just disappear into the oblivion and forget about it all....


Yes... seems I'm slipping into the escapist mood again....

Blight

Stealthily it stalks,
inching its way to the core,
biting, gnawing
at healthy flesh
beneath the flawless skin.

Steadily it creeps,
breaking down the cells,
distintegrating, decaying
tissue and sinew
within the intact organ.

Silently it seeps,
permeating through the pores,
bleeding, soaking
veins and arteries
coursing through the system.

Feebly a flame flickers,
struggling to stay alit,
dying, smothered
in the ashes and debris
of this rotting shell.

Zzzz.....

Read storybook till 5 am again... and didn't manage to get to sleep till almost 6 am after tossing and turning....

*brain and eyes threatening to shut down*

*zzzzzzz.................*

Reading can be a health-hazard kinda hobby for me.... *heh*

Am I Happy??

The answer is No, a resounding one.

Right now, people around me have been making me feel used, undervalued, unappreciated and totally worthless except for the occasional "do you remember where is this? Can print that out for me?"

NO I'm not happy at all. I'm feeling extremely peeved and dissatisfied. Afterall, I have given every effort into everything I do and pretty much given it more priority than it deserved.

I don't like this feeling at all...

Mistaken identities.... I'm a Singaporean Chinese!!!

Sometimes I wonder if my features are really that far off.... When in Phuket or Bangkok, I get mistaken as a Thai and people spoke to me in Thai. The air steward from Thai Airways even offered me Thai newspapers when I specifically asked for ENGLISH newspapers.

In Manila, I get people speaking to me in Tagalog, thinking that I'm Filippino.

In Malaysia, a vendor I was working with for an event had such a look of shock on his face when I spoke to him in Cantonese. That's because he thought I was Malay.

The only place outside of Singapore where I get correctly identified as a Chinese is in India. Ironically, this is one place where I have to spin a story to say I'm from Sikkim because otherwise, they won't allow me onstage as an usher because I'm not Indian.

Gosh.... I'm a Singaporean Chinese! And proud to be an effectively bilingual one, being able to read, write and speak in both English and Chinese. Do I really look that different??

An old song....from a Disney Cartoon....

Hmmm... for no rhyme or reason at all, this song keeps ringing in my head. I remember when the movie first came out, I used to memorise all the lyrics and to this day, I can still sing it word for word... hehehe....

Part of that world (from Disney's The Little Mermaid)

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?

Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything

I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those -
what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a
- what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

What would I give if I could live out of these waters?
What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand?
Bet'cha on land they understand
That they don't reprimand their daughters
Bright young women sick of swimmin'
Ready to stand

I'm ready to know what the people know
Ask 'em my questions and get some answers
What's a fire and why does it - what's the word?
Burn?

When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love, love to explore that shore up above?
Out of the sea
Wish I could be
Part of that world

Just in case you're wondering... nope I've got no fantasies about being a fish.... hahahahahaha

Fine... call me an Escapist...

Sometimes problems in life just gets to me... whether it's work, people, family etc. And sometimes it just feels so difficult to iron out the kinks and feel normal again. It just seems so overwhelming sometimes that one feels like running away from it all.

That's the feeling I am experiencing right now. Just like the previous post, I feel as though "dooms day" is near and I just want to run away, disappear, vanish from the face of this earth... just because I don't want to face it. I just want to leave everything and forget all about it....

Yes I'm a coward... I can't face it and I'm trying to find ways to deal with it... but it's not working and I'm increasingly frustrated. It's like a wild horse finding itself trapped and can't do anything about it. Suddenly getting a long-term overseas posting doesn't seem like such a bad idea....

Sigh...

Sometimes I just feel as though dooms day is coming... not the kind of dooms day where apocalypse strikes and everyone dies... more like the kind where I have signed a contract that "sold" myself away and will never find it back...

call it a fear of commitment if you will.... but truth is that I find myself reaching the end of my patience and the limit of my compromises....

and I can't shake off the feeling that I'm getting locked up in an unhappy situation....

sigh....

Repeated complaint.... but still

I know you have heard this just recently from me....

But I'm feeling it so I'm posting it again....

I'm SSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and on a Friday evening again!!!!!!!!


ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*this crazy kittyn needs an asylum / psychiatrist / medication / anything!!!!*

YES!!!! I PASSED!!! FINALLY!!!!!

YES!!!! I finally got the results to the resubmitted dissertation! I PASSED!!! with minor amendments for grammar only.... hehehehehe

*Jumping with JOY!!!*

this calls for a celebration!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*ki siao already that it's finally over!!!!*

UPDATE: The only amendments I need to do are on only 3 out of 100 pages... Hoorah!!!!!!!!

At a loss for words....

Some emails are so tough to write.... or to be generic, sometimes one just encounters situations where one is at a loss for words.... not because there is major emotional trauma or anything like that. It's more because we know that one wrong word, or a misused expression, coupled with cultural differences, can set the other person thinking in the wrong direction.... tricky.

Today I'm at a loss for words..... sigh....

*This black cat has been rendered speechless*

breathe... breathe...

*chest pain*

*feeling difficulty breathing*

*heart feeling laboured*

Sheesh... I think I'm too stressed up today.....